Winning Start for Bomber Command

The dawn of a new season saw Bexley 4th XI face off against the league's most unpredictable sides, Blackheath Wanderers 2nd XI.

I am in good spirits, I have a strong eleven, an umpire and I'm not the oldest player in the team at 29. Even the sight of a freshly painted football pitch on the outfield and multiple weeds on the wicket couldn't dent my optimistic mood.

The opposition announce that they don't have an umpire. My mood improves further. "Thank you very much, we will have a bowl" I tell their skipper. When I inform Geoff he looks at the floor and shakes his head. My mood dampens slightly.

I tell the team that I have every confidence that we can bowl the opposition out for a low score (they declared on 304-6 in the 44th over the previous year). Smithy then announces that he has forgotten his whites and will be fielding in his tracksuit bottom until his wife brings them. Village.

We take to the field and early on Marcus knocks over the openers middle pole and Nathan runs out the other with a direct hit. At 8-2 I dare to believe we can roll them over for under 100. My buoyant mood is dampened only in those moments I catch Smithy in his black tracksuit bottoms in the corner of my eye.

Clarky then goes down picking up a ball in the outfield and has to go off. Trevor Ritson heroically offers to field in his place. He doesn't have whites though and takes to the field in a pair of black tracksuit bottoms. Observant readers should have noted that yes...I now have two fielders in black tracksuit bottoms. I honour Trevor's heroism by constantly calling him Shaun for the next hour.

The Wanderers then start to flash their blades and suddenly its the 17th over and they're 80-2. My mood is mixed, I am obviously concerned that the opposition may play their way back into the game, but I am also delighted as Mrs Smith and Mrs Ritson have arrived with whites and I no longer have any fielders in black tracksuit bottoms.

We then fight back. Nathan and Abdur step up and take two and three key wickets respectively. Cookie on debut returns impressive figures on 2-6 in 5.4 overs and we suddenly have the opposition 105-9 in the 34th over. I'm happy. Their number then informs me they don't have an 11th man. Even happier, I get to leave this outfield earlier than the 46th over.

We have tea in their clubhouse. It's a poor selection of sandwiches and cakes. I'm also in the middle of a disco.

As I chew through a ham and cheese 'sandwich', I suddenly realise that I only have one opening batsman. I ask Adrian but he's a bit tired from keeping (three good catches). I approach Mike Maietta, who says he will happily do it. At 3:15 I sit down with a cup of tea to watch our reply. I realise now I should have bowled, probably could have got a few wickets. Never mind. I then watch Mike hit a lot of boundaries. Bis hits a few too until he gets out caught behind. We later learnt the noise was from his broken bat handle. Unlucky. Adrian goes out to join Mike, undoubtedly with red ink on his mind. Suddenly it's 4:00, it's the 13th over and Mike hits a huge six to win the game, finishing 75*. I tell Lushy he looked ropey though (I lied). Big Bird then arrives and looks at the scoreboard, asking if it's really all over. He looks sad when I tell him it is. He shakes his head and walks off. Some things never change though, he's at least 6"6 tall and is wearing a 32 leg trouser.

I get back to the club for 4:30. Triffic.

James 'Bomber' HARRIS
4th XI Pilot